Breastfeeding

I'm a mom! It's still so amazing to think that I have a little baby boy... but he's not so little anymore!

As referenced in my post Two Months with Danger, breastfeeding was hard. Notice the word was! It's not hard anymore. So why am I writing this blog post? In the first few weeks, especially that third week, I couldn't see past the right now. Everything I had heard told me the first two weeks were awful, then it was better. I was told "if it hurts you're doing it wrong" more than once. But it got better. So here it is.

When I first met Danger, I could only think of how much love I had for him. (Real talk: I was also shocked at how many nurses were in my room.) I wasn't thinking about how this little baby was going to eat. Very soon after, though, the nurse told me he was going to start rooting and to try to feed him. It happened incredibly fast and easily- I was feeding my boy! He was so good at it, and I was so relieved. I thought it would be that easy every time.

Newborns are so sleepy. I went through labor with no drugs or anesthesia, and Danger still slept almost constantly. I was so alert and so exhausted at the same time. On the whiteboard in my room was the reminder to feed him every few hours, so I did. Sometimes it took 10 minutes, sometimes it took 45 minutes. Every nurse told me something different about how to hold him, and he didn't seem to like any of the positions. He wouldn't open his mouth wide enough to really eat, and we learned how to pull his chin down to properly eat. We also learned to let him suck on a finger to get the motion going. Then, before we knew it, we were sent home with are tiny boy. If they were sending us home, how hard could it be?

In the first two weeks, breastfeeding seemed to get harder. Maybe it was the adrenaline leaving my body, maybe it was weaning off ibuprofen. All I remember about breastfeeding those first two weeks was how much it hurt. It was a new pain I couldn't describe, but the closest analogy I could think of was an indian burn mixed with a sharp pinch. The nurses had all told me "if it hurts you're doing it wrong" so I was convinced Danger wasn't getting enough milk.

This fear was only strengthened when Danger started throwing up. Projectile, no less! According to the internet, if it happened once in a while it was normal. If it happened more than once in a day, he would need stomach and intestinal surgery. Thanks, internet! The day he threw up twice I about died. Not only would he need surgery, but there was no milk left for him! It hurt, i felt empty, he threw up everything in his stomach, and I broke.

I have had exactly three freak outs since Danger. This was the first. I sat in bed, still sore from giving birth, my husband holding a tiny baby that smelled like curdled breast milk and looked hungry. I had just fed him, I was sure there was nothing left. I cried. My sweet husband calmed our son, told me I could do it, gave me a minute or two to compose myself, and helped me nurse again. Danger finished, held it down, and I laid down to rest. I couldn't help thinking: is this what it's always going to be like? 

When Danger was two weeks old I expected all pain to be gone. When it wasn't I was devastated. I was convinced nursing would hurt forevermore until Danger got teeth, then it would hurt more. Luckily, I was determined not to give up. At three weeks, it only hurt for the beginning and end of the feedings, but I developed (according to internet message boards) breastfeeding hives. By the time Danger was a month, I was only wincing when he latched on. When I reached the six week mark, and saw my own doctor for the first time since giving birth, I realized that the pain was gone. The hives were managed with baby-safe allergy medicine. Danger was latching fine, gaining a ton of weight, getting longer (can you say 90th percentile?) and loving life. I told this to my doctor, and she said "of course- the first month of breastfeeding is hell."

It was then I realized I had gone through all of that thinking something was wrong, when I was actually normal. I'll never have my first baby learning to eat again, and I don't know how this all goes the second or third time around, but at least I know. I'm normal! It's normal to hurt for a month. If it hurst, it doesn't mean I'm doing it wrong! If he projectile vomits everywhere, it's because he's a baby, and that's what babies do!

So people, please encourage your pregnant friends, your new mom friends! It's going to be worse than imagined but you will look back and barely remember the pain. Weird things happen, but it gets better! If you are changing wet diapers often and your baby gains weight, that's all that matters. The truth is, your baby will be fine, and you will be fine. You will only remember bonding and cuddling with your sweet baby.

And oh, how sweet he was.

I just wish someone had told me that.